Written by Greg Schutte

Low sodium, low sugar, sugar-free, fat-free, low fat, lite, caffeine-free, blended, fruit on the bottom, with raisins, without raisins, with nuts, without nuts…….ahhhhh, I’m going nuts! Heck, just let me go out, hunt down a fat pig, shoot it, and take it home for cooking and eating! I don’t even care if it’s a low sodium, sugar-free, blended, without raisins, fat-free pig. Heck, the more fat the better! Our problem as guys going to a grocery store is not that we are incapable of finding food to feed our families. The problem is finding the exact product in a store, the size of a football field, which matches or is below the expected retail price (or only get 1 of that item) that our spouse has researched out.

This has been the source of many of our marital spats over the years. In fact, just recently, my wife asked me to pick up some vanilla yogurt from the store on my way home from work. Sound simple? Yeah, that’s what I thought. But, I’ve learned to ask for details because it’s never that simple. I know my wife by now, and usually, she sets her sights on a specific tub of yogurt and anything else…..won’t do. So she stated, and I quote, “Get a tub of the low fat, vanilla yogurt in the big tub (stated slowly so that I could write it down). If it is under $2, then get four containers. If not, then only get one, and I’ll wait to get more when it is on sale.” With all of that, I got the one that was low fat; it was vanilla; it was in a big tub (the biggest I could find) and it was the Kroger brand since they were only $1.89 each. Woo hoo, I found it! I found the gold mine, and I got five instead of four since it was exactly what she wanted!

Going into the house, I proudly displayed my “captured pig,” hunted down and bagged. I waited for my kudos for saving the kids from a yogurt deficiency. Unfortunately, my wife’s reply was, “Oh shoot, you got the blended kind. I’m going to have to take that back. The kids can’t eat that because it has too much sugar in it. And why did you get five? I said four.” What!? My “captured pig” was the blended kind? There’s another added twist to the yogurt world that I had not even figured on. It’s times like this I wished we lived in Russia. You want yogurt, you get yogurt. Not fat-free, not sugar-free, no big or little tub, let alone BLENDED!

See, as a guy, I have some things that are not negotiable to me like Miracle Whip, and…..uh…….well…..I guess everything else is negotiable. But for the most part, whatever my wife brings home I’ll eat if I’m hungry enough. If it’s not my favorite flavor, hey that’s what hot sauce is for! (Honey, if you’re reading this, that’s not why I put hot sauce on everything, I just like the taste of hot sauce).

Good advice is this: take your cell phone shopping! Any questions, call. I’ve been known to read the label to her if I have to. It’s like having your wife right there shopping with you. And in between products is a great time to ask her how her day has been and catch up on all those things you don’t have time to talk about because of the kids breaking into all of your conversations. They still do it while she’s on the phone, but heck she can go lock herself in the bathroom and shop from the convenience of her lavatory. I have my beef with cell phone usage, but for guys and grocery shopping, it’s a must! Oh, and honey if your reading this, should I bring home single-ply, double-ply, a 12-pack or 24-pack of toilet paper?